how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
