well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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