And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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