Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
