I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
