I'm eating all of the evidence.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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