It's a beautiful day for a hangover
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
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