new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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