Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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