He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
