i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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