I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize