He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
