In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
