apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
