none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
