I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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