My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
