Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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