Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
