if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
