I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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