I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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