I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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