I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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