your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
