woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
