I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
accomplished twins. life is a go
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
