Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
