Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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