Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize