you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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