Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I got inside last night via doggy door
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
