I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
