For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
