I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
