I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My vagina is officially offended.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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