Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
