How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
