I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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