so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
