I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
