LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
