Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
