I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
