I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
