I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
