Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
