I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Randomize
