I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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