When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
