Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
