im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
