Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
