ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
