My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
