the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
