I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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