she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
