Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
