Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
