it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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