Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
