when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
