3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
